March 5, 2009
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Been giving it some thought as to what would qualify as having the primary grief period behind me, and have pretty much decided it'll be when, one, I don't cry on a daily basis and, two...and this is a biggie...when Saturday becomes just another day of the week, instead of The Day Don Died.
Actually, I've improved tremendously, as it used to be each day of the week was tied to Don's illness and death (Sunday was the last day we spoke and the day he went under sedation; Friday was the day he entered the hospital; Tuesday was the day the cancer was discovered, and so on). I don't tend to do that so much any longer, particularly the weekdays.
Also used to brood every afternoon from about 2 until 5 p.m., reliving when the ventilator was removed, being at his side as he died, and his death pronounced at 4:40.
You can imagine what fun Saturday afternoons were.
It's gotten to where 4:40 p.m. can pass without my 'noticing' it, IYSWIM. Big improvement. I still tend to mentally spend a lot of time in Don's hospital room, but not as much as before, and not as regularly.
When Don and I were married I used to note Thursdays (that's when we were married...on a Thursday evening), counting how many weeks we'd been married. I'm pretty sure that by the time three months had passed I'd stopped, but Don's death was traumatic in a way our wedding wasn't, so it's not surprising it's taking longer, but I'm optimistic that one of these weeks a Saturday will come and go without my thinking about Don dying.
That's when I'll consider I've become accustomed to the new "normal."
Comments (5)
it will happen. Time passes and the intensity of the emotion surrounding death decreases. What you are going through is normal, and don't be surprised to discover yourself on "an anniversary" (the date of his death, or the six month anniversarry, or the six year anniversary ,etc) feeling it. It is still happening infrequently with me, four and a half years after my daddy died. But that also means that Daddy never completely goes away. years later, although the pain is much less, I still can remember him and miss him, and shed a tear for his being gone...and that's not a bad thing, his being missed still years later.
Dear Anne, What a terrible 3 months. I'm so glad the worst is behind you. None of us will forget Don, but I don't get as sad as I used to, though I still think of him often. Not so much about the way he died, but about the way he lived and the special relationship you had. Keep us posted on how you're doing; we care. Love, Jeanne
The primary period may not be over, but you have moved into a state of mind which handles it better. You're not losing your balance anymore, or at least not so often as before. That's good. Good progress. Much love to you.
Anne, just a hunch, but this is you all the time, isn't it? Some people are like that. Some aren't. (I am. My brother can't tell you about yesterday, much less a certain period of time and why, ago.)
It was 6 weeks ago today we left on vacation.
It was 2 years ago tomorrow that we got the spotted dog.
I know you are such a big birthday and family party person, and none of those dates ever skips your notice. Without minimizing the death of a spouse, it seems to me that you just have another thing, albeit sad, in your gray matter that you will just automatically keep track of.
PB's right -- you'll probably always think of it, but the thing to look forward to is no longer *defining* your Saturdays, Tuesday, etc., that way. It will be a memory that will remain, maybe always, but I think you're right in hoping that it won't be the dominant aspect of whatever time period you're in.
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