March 14, 2009
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Had my second line dancing lesson and allow me to reiterate....that's exercise, that is.
Today we learned Country Walking (the link takes you to a YouTube video of some people dancing it) and another one the name of which I can't recall, and about which the class wasn't terribly enthusiastic.
On my way home I spied the first bluebonnets of the season growing along the access road that runs next to the Botanic Gardens. I love bluebonnets!
Last Thursday afternoon was one of my grief counseling sessions and it was very helpful. I've been feeling guilty and distressed because I didn't take seriously enough how ill Don was, not countenancing for a moment the notion he might have cancer, even though he'd shown he'd been worried about it when he was so relieved at the diagnosis of pneumonia.
Don was the farthest thing possible from a hypochondriac, so for him to be truly concerned should have given me pause, but there it is...it didn't.
I've been hating thinking he was there in the hospital at night...having insisted I come home....laying and fretting about having cancer. It's been hard, thinking I should have prodded him to Open Up and Tell Me What He's Thinking. Other widows talk about having last deep discussions with their husbands right before their deaths, but Don and I didn't do that. Maybe he wanted to talk about it but was afraid I'd freak out. Maybe he wanted to talk about it but was afraid I'd blow off his concern.
Anyway, Angela (the grief counselor) made me feel better, pointing out that - based upon what I've told her - Don was a very private man who didn't like Big Emotional Scenes, which is true. She said a lot of men, in particular, need to have time to themselves when a serious illness hits them, and it's quite possible he didn't want to talk about it for it would make it seem more real a possibility.
Some people do well with death-bed or might-wind-up-being-death-bed talks and some don't. She said I should trust the LORD that the way it worked out was what suited Don best.
ISTM she's right. In retrospect while I'd like to have had a Deep Discussion with lots of emotion, but to be honest, I can't quite see Don voluntarily participating in one.
In any case, no one gets everything, do they? Granted, I didn't get to tell him goodbye and hear him tell me goodbye, but then I didn't have to watch him suffer for months, either. And I got to be there at his side when he went to the LORD, unlike those who die suddenly in a car crash or something.
One of my constant prayers has been for the LORD to give me a grateful heart, appreciating all his good gifts to me - which are myriad - rather than concentrating on what I don't have or didn't work out the way I wanted.
Comments (5)
You are so right that Daddy wouldn't have initiated any kind of morose conversation. It just wasn't his style. You could have told him the worst thing was going to happen, and he would have said something positive about it..."Welp, Don, aliens are taking over America and will subject us all to their bidding." "Oh," says Don, "at least we'll be able to try some new food, and I could let them try El Fenix." It's a bad joke, but it's the truth.
I wish so much that I could've seen him before he passed away, but the Don in me just keeps saying, "Thank you, Lord, that I came home and saw him in September." I can see so much of Daddy in myself, and I am so thankful for that because it feels like he is right here with me. I wish I had more of his work ethic, though. He had a fantastic work ethic. Not just in his job, but in everything.
Your grief counselor sounds wonderful. And in some strange, incomprehensible way, it was best for you too, the way events unfolded; it's according to what the Lord promises. Sure to be revealed in future times.
That Country Walking is downright cool! You know what? I'm going to do it here in my living room - it's a new dance and as you say, IT'S EXERCISE. Folk-dancing is so cool.
p.s. I'm here in Korea, and had stupendous day of liberty. I had some dumpling things and chicken rolls from some venders right on the street. It cost all of $3. Went to Starbucks and tore up a venti cafe americano. Walked around this huge market place and bought a nice fake fancy manbag. Bought two things of Korean Skittles. One to eat right there, and one to save for no reason at all. Looked in all kinds of shops, then walked up a bunch of stairs to Busan Tower. There, my group and I met two very pleasant individuals. There "American" names were Jim and Hank. There Korean names were....well that doesn't really matter. We talked with them for a while, during which I asked them if they knew where we could get some good bulgogi. That's a beef Korean dish that I looooooove! They not only escorted us to the restaurant, but they stayed and ate with us. It was the style of dining where the grill is right there at your table and you cook the meat. The people served us all kinds of little side dishes that generally were very spicy. I love spicy stuff. After the meat was cooked, we were to take the flaps of lettuce and make lettuce wraps with the meat and sides. It was really funny, because the women serving our food were doing things that you normally woudn't see in the States. For instance, my buddy was fixing his own lettuce wrap deally, when the lady walks right up, grabs a radish slice and puts it right onto his wrap. "Uhhh..thanks." The same lady would take the serving tools right out of our hands and stir the meat herself in a fashion that spoke, "You silly migu (American), let me do it." Don't get me wrong. The service was some of the best I've ever seen, and they were very friendly. It's just a different culture. The way our personal tour guides were yelling out to the ladies was such that would get you some seriously dirty looks back in the States. I just wouldn't yell to a waitress like that. Anywho. After dinner, we exchanged handshakes and hugs with our new friends, then proceeded on to get some ice cream.
After this came the part that makes me say, "Thank you, God!" We journeyed back to where we expected that the bus ,which dropped us off from the ship, was going to pick us up. We waited for quite some time. After a while longer, we began to worry that we may not be in the right place, or we missed the last bus from the ship. One of my shipmates and I walked a little ways down the road to see if we could find any other sailors from the ship. As we were walking, we caught sight of a bus passing by that looked like it could be from our ship. Thankfully, the driver saw our concerned faces and decided to stop for us. Just as we were getting ready to run back to get the others, they had already run up to us screaming that that was the bus. We got on very quickly and very relieved when we discovered from some other passengers that the bus actually stopped at a different place than where we were waiting. We guessed that the reason why the driver stopped where he did earlier that day was because the usual drop off point was clogged up.
Usually in foreign ports, the ship will arrange for the sailors to have buses take us out into town. Then throughout the day they will pick us up and take us back to the ship. We have a curfew time that if you are late getting back to the ship, you have a date with some very unhappy higher ups. Well, we were concerned that the bus we got on might have been the last bus for the evening. When we arrived at the ship, we went to the front of the bus to look at the times and saw that that very bus was, in fact, the last one running for the evening. If that driver would not have stopped, I have a bad feeling about what would've happened. Whew! Thank you, Lord!
"Their 'American' names were Jim and Hank." Sorry. It's midnight and I made some silly grammatical and spelling errors. I'm going to bed. Love you, Mama!
I'm glad the grief couselor was a help - what she said really makes sense. And what you wrote makes sense, too. If only all of us could be grateful for all our loved ones and show/tell them often. That's what I like about our family get-togethers. I hope each person realizes how much I care for them.
I'm glad I started to show Don more affection in the past years. I became more kissy and huggy. Before, it was like just friends. I hope he knew how much I loved him. I regret so much that I didn't go see him Saturday before we left for Tampa. I didn't even call, so I feel bad about that. Of course I had no idea I wouldn't get another chance.
I feel satisfied that Don knew I thought he was tops and that I loved and respected him. And we will meet again!
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