January 9, 2009
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A couple of days ago I read an article at CNN.com, I think it was, regarding Jett Travolta's tragic death. It was an interview with a psychologist or psychiatrist who pointed out something I'd never heard or thought of before, but can see where it'd be true, and that's that while it's always hideously painful to lose a child, having one die when in their upper teens through early twenties is especially hard. It's the most difficult time for someone's child to die.
The reason is that one has almost finished one's job as a parent, at least for the most part. The child is almost an adult, almost ready to leave the nest and set out on his own. Not necessarily right that minute, of course, but the child's adulthood is in sight in a way it isn't when he or she is three or ten years old.
And right then is when he dies, meaning the parents - after investing all those years in their child and looking forward to seeing what he will become as an adult - never see the fruit of their efforts. Their job as parents will never be completed, but they were so close.
When reading that it occurred to me it's highly analogous to Don dying at 57. We'd been married 37 years. Just one child left at home. What with the economy we'd realized Don would not be retiring anytime really soon, but still, the end of the working/child-rearing years was in sight, and we'd enjoy ourselves discussing what we'd do when he retired. Buy an RV and be nomads was high on our list of possibilities. We loved to travel and particularly liked road trips, pulling off to see the highway markers, etc.
Now he's dead and that halcyon period, which was almost within our grasp, has been yanked away. In a sense our marriage will never be complete, as we won't finish this loooong stage and enter the last one, when the working and child-rearing is finished. Though we were close. So close.
Comments (2)
A Christian friend of mine lost her son to an auto accident when he was 21. He had just finished college and gotten married. She said he was just starting his adult life and was taken. He's "forever 21" in her heart, and she'll never know how his life would have gone, the grandchildren she would have had from him. Yes, it must be an especially sad time to lose a child, even though no time is a good time, of course. People who lose middle-aged children grieve deeply too.
I think I've said this before, but my parents were radically changed after my sister's death at 25. Something went out of both of them. They had five other children, and 9 grandchildren, including her two small children, but that loss, that devastating loss, couldn't be assuaged by anything else that would follow.
I'm sure the anology you've made is more than apt. It in no way compares, but Faron was (mildly) lamenting just tonight how we're at that same stage, our house finally the way we want it, comfortable financially, he even has his much-longed for Kubota, and both his legs are in such bad shape, and I'm in such bad shape, that we can't do much at all to enjoy it. For me, I'm constantly trying to re-adjust my "vision" of the future as things change for me. I guess we all do, Anne. Our lives are always changing, and we're always adapting. This change for you is a doozy, to be sure, but I have every confidence that you'll find your footing in no time, and keep on walking in faith, knowing that while this isn't what YOU had in mind for this time in your life, that is all part of God's good and perfect plan, impossible as that may seem right now.
I love you dear sister.
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