January 8, 2009
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I’m hoping things will begin to improve a bit before long.
Today I went to the doctor’s office where I managed to not only have a breakdown in the waiting room but one of truly impressive proportions in the examination room.
In the waiting room I had to fill out another information form and it was my first time to be faced with “emergency contact” and “spouse” without being able to fill in Don’s info.
Let’s just say I didn’t take it well.
In the area provided for a spouse’s information, I printed a big DEAD over it then circled it.
That was subtle.
I’ll say this, sit at the back of a doctor’s waiting room and sob, and you’ll be called back pretty quickly.
I didn’t see the actual doctor, but instead the Family Nurse Practioner, Sean, of whom I’ve become quite fond over the last couple of years. He spent 30-40 minutes with me this afternoon, acting as if he had all the time in the world and there wasn’t another soul in the waiting room. Anyway, he prescribed a different sleep medication, hoping I can finally get some semblance of a decent night’s sleep, plus an anti-depressant. I’ve never taken one and don’t much want to now, but realized a couple of days ago that far from improving, I’ve been growing more and more anxious and depressed. Finally decided that while – given enough time – I would most likely eventually get through this, it’s not fair on Dmitry (nor practical, seeing as how I want to find a job, and no one would want a watering pot like me around, much less pay for the privilege) to refuse whatever help is available, so bite the bullet and take the dumb pills. It’s not forever, after all.
Tomorrow I’m going to meet with a dear friend who is also a trained biblical counselor who works at Christ Chapel. And I’m going to sign up for the grief group at church which begins in a month. And start singing in the church choir.
Prayers that these steps will prove effective and help lift me out of the pit of despair and desolation I’ve been inhabiting would be appreciated.
Comments (6)
I’m praying for you, Anne.
I love you and am so proud of you for taking these next steps. I can’t wait to hear you singing in the choir.
I would love to have my watering pot mom-in-love around. I am sure there are many companies out there that would love to have you (Maybe Christ Chapel has an opening somewhere).
It’s good that you are taking steps to help yourself to function better, but I think your grieving like this is perfectly natural. Our culture has to put a smile on everything, it seems. I think it’s healthier to grieve now than to try to cover it up with drugs. You’ve suffered a great loss and crying is necessary to help you heal. You are showing Dmitry your great love for Don in how you respond to the loss of him.
One thing I would suggest to help you sleep is a cal/mag supplement. I use this one and can attest to how much better my sleep is with it than without it. If I forget it I toss and turn until I get up and take it. It’s good for calming the nerves during the day, too, if you take it then. I take it right before bedtime. It tastes like citrus-y yogurt. Might be worth a try. ((hug))
Anne, I think it’s great that you’re taking constructive steps. As far as the anti-depressants, do what you you need to do — it doesn’t have to be forever, it doesn’t even have to be for very long. You seem to be dealing with the grief as well as anyone can, and there are just some things that you need to be clear-headed enough to be able to do.
Um, BTW, “I think it’s great that you’re taking constructive steps” doesn’t mean I thought you were doing anything wrong before. I just mean that being able to make choices to try to improve things is a sign of ongoing movement in a healthy direction. Progress, don’tcha know.
I’m really glad you’re asking for help from your counselor friend at CC, as well as joining their grief support group. Even if you only go one time, it could be helpful. As for the drugs, well let’s just be grateful we live in an age in which they are available. I don’t think the anti-d’s will make you miss Don less, but they might help you cope better with the adjustment.
oh, and P.S. I for one would pay for the privilege of having you around, watering pot or not.
and P.S. number two: I’m thrilled you are singing in the choir. :dancingcow: (I don’t know what a dancing cow has to do with singing, but I imagine that if a cow could dance, it should naturally be able to sing as well. )